I intended this wannabe Mommy Blog to be launched at a later time, preferably when I finally give birth…
But as you can probably tell by now, patiently waiting is not my strong suit. As I type this, I am currently 9 months, 2 weeks and 3 days pregnant.
Every morning, the moment I open my eyes, I find myself staring at the ceiling and asking the Lord. “Jesus, is today the day?”
I would then rub my tummy and greet my daughter, good morning. I’d freshen up and give a deep sigh. This has been happening ever since I stepped the 9th month mark. I would drop everything I was doing as soon as my baby shows slight movements.
“Oh this might be a contraction!” I exclaim. It doesn’t matter whether I am with husband when this happens or I am alone. I say it out loud anyway, most of my teeth showing because my smile has reached both ears.
Unfortunately, it’s not a contraction. It’s just my baby doing her usual daily stretch. It’s funny though how I smile at the thought of contraction. I bet I wouldn’t even manage a slight smile when the “real contraction” hits me. I have a very low pain tolerance and honestly, the only thing that is keeping me going is the thought of Jesus not leaving my side.
I remember reading my Bible and seeing pain and anguish being associated with labor pain almost all the time. I would then start feeling queasy… The thought of questioning Jesus love for me is already at the tip of my tongue. Even if I am trying very hard not to ask God directly, I am sure Jesus knows that my heart is troubled.
“Oh dear God, if you truly love me, why do I have to experience the pain that goes hand in hand with labor.” There, I’ve said it. Those were the words I’ve been wanting to beg Jesus for an answer as I read from Genesis 3:16, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children.” Then Romans 8:22 goes “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth.”
I’d then be disappointed with myself. How come I couldn’t figure out where Jesus is in all this? I find this question lingering in my head to be one of the hardest part of pregnancy.
Then God assures me once more through His word…
“You are precious and honored in my sight and… I love you.” Isaiah 43:4
This verse is not new to me. I hear this from church all the time but it never hit me as much as it did in this season of my life. I guess I never fully understood what God is trying to tell me.
The one, true and sovereign God. The creator of heaven and the earth knows me by name. The Lord calls me his.
“I have called you by name, Jennica. You are mine.” Isaiah 43
And as if this is not enough to ease my worries… God spoke to me through praise and worship. It was two Sunday’s ago. The worship team came back up to the stage and started playing… The lyrics from the song goes…
“When I’m lost in the darkness You’ll remain as my light. In the pain….. You will hold my hand tight….
I stopped singing along and tried to control my tears. My husband noticed this and held me closer to where he was standing. I rested my hands on my bulging tummy and thanked Jesus for blessing me with a loving husband and a child. I can’t believe that because of my fear of pain, I forgot about what I truly wanted ever since I was a little girl. Growing up without my father and mother by my side, all I really wanted to begin with is to have my own family. To be a homemaker… To be a mother and a wife who gives service and unconditional love to a hardworking husband. God made this dream a reality for me and yet there I was doubting his love.
The chorus of the song goes…
“Your love is here… Your mercy near… Your love is greater. Oh, love so deep… Your love is greater.”
As my husband sings while keeping me close, I caressed my tummy and closed my eyes. With a shaky voice, I sang along and something really amazing happened. My baby whom I haven’t even seen yet started moving in a soft and gentle manner. It’s as if she is dancing inside of me. The three of us are already worshiping Jesus when she hasn’t even come out yet. ❤
The peace that comes from the Lord alone rushed through my very soul.
The joy of being able to worship the Lord as a family. Ha! I will not exchange that for anything. ❤
When the service ended, my husband and I left church hand in hand with me telling him that when the big day comes that God decides it’s time for the both us to meet our child face to face…. When the pain gets really hard for me to handle, I ask that he reminds me of one thing… Yes, what I am experiencing is really painful….
“But God’s love for me is greater. “