What Lies In My Heart

I am going to make this quick and no longer do a grammar and spell check so please overlook whatever mistake and misspelled word you’ll stumble upon.

It is 12 midnight as I type these words and I won’t wait for  another day to pass by because if I do, I might not share what I have to say altogether.

As I was preparing for the first seminar of Mori Mom Sisterhood this coming June on Natural Mothering, I found myself in an argument with my husband as soon as he got home from work. I overslept for an hour during the day and asked him to take good care of Mori while I catch up on a much needed sleep.

I no longer remember the exact time I slept the day before, I just knew that the sun was peeking through our windowsill when I laid in the middle of my husband and Mori.

My husband was bothered about me oversleeping. He felt that I needed to check if my priorities are still in line.

I was taken aback. I felt accused and unappreciated in an instant. In my head were a jumble of different words that would sound something like, “Really? Everyday, I do the laundry, I bring Mori with me wherever I go… I dismiss the pain of wearing her the entire day just so I could finish the chores that needed to me done around here. The never ending pile of laundry… In the kitchen when I cook Mori is with me, outside the home when I water the plants Mori is still with me, either she is on my back or on her chair while I sing and dance my way out of making her believe that waiting for Nanay is F-U-N.  This is the exact same scenario that I am in whether I am mopping the floor, feeding or removing the poop the cat’s litterbox. I mean hello, Mori is even with me when I go to the toilet just so i could relieve myself! And here I was.. I overslept for an hour. One hour! And it is not like I do it everyday and this is what I get from him? “I should get my priorities in check?!”

I thought my heart would break into pieces.

Even now as I type this, I could still feel the lump in my throat and the pain in my heart.

After our exchange of sentiments I took Mori in my arms and went straight to where the dirty clothes gets washed. I even told him to cook his own food (which he did) and I really regret saying those words now that I have come to my senses. My husband doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment from me.

And so I did what I should have initially done in the first place… It was to talk to God.

As I opened my Bible I felt so ashamed. How could I even talk to the Lord when I was being the opposite of being Christ-like. I could see the exact place where I stood from our bedroom. I see myself mouthing the words but I can no longer pinpoint what I said exactly because everything is now a blur. Even if I couldn’t see God with my own eyes and could only remember where I stood and where my husband sat… I know God is with us in the room. He was in our bedroom earlier, he is still here in our home as I type this and yes, the Lord will still be here in the coming days. The Lord is in our hearts and will always be with my family.

When I prayed to the Lord and opened my Bible, He directly led me to His response.

Matthew 5:13 and 16 says we Christians are the salt of the earth. Therefore we should demonstrate our faith in Christ through acts of love and service.

That was it! It wasn’t just me not being in line with my priorities. It was about me doing acts of service to my family because I knew I had to… When all along it should be, I am doing this act of service to my family because I am sharing my faith with the Lord through my hands as well as my lips. I should do things out of my love for them and not because: “ay kailangan walang yaya eh!” I have to, we have no nanny/household help.

I was skeptical about sharing this story since it is a private matter between me and my husband but I thought maybe there is someone out there who is going through the same thing like me. You might be confused as to why you and your husband is arguing or constantly arguing about something.

It will be of big help… The only help that you will need actually is just to lift it up to the Lord.

Even if the words that come out from the mouth of our husband’s offend us in some way, let us try to look into it. There might be a truth to what they are saying and the only reason why we can’t accept it is because pride is getting in the way.

If you are not used to praying to Jesus but you want to start praying to the Lord today, I’ll be sharing my prayer tonight and you can just simply pray it with me…

My Dearest Lord,

A God who has eyes for me and see’s me to be more precious than rubies (Proverbs 3:15)… How have I wronged a God like you? Forgive me for my wrong doings. You gave me lips to nurture, enlighten and encourage but I have used mine to hurt the person that you entrusted me to love all the days of my life. Help me Lord to never again lose sight of what my purpose is to my family. As you uphold me with your righteous hand, may you give me  the strength (Isaiah 41:10) that I need to make it through each day with peace and joy in my heart. I love you Lord and I am forever grateful for your forgiveness of my sins.

In Jesus name we pray,

Amen.